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Dear Any Service-Man,

Hi, my name is Josh Neckdown.  I want to thank you for your sacrifice for our country and freedom.  I Also would like to ask for your help.  Don’t worry, I don’t need money, LOL.

I am taking a psychology class at Bradford Pear Community College and for a project, I chose the theme, why women can not successfully serve in the military.  I have a few questions I would like to ask and if you could please respond to the address below, I would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks again for your patriotism and support to my project.

Questions

1.  Do you now serve or have you ever served with any split-tails in the military?  (I’m told women are called that in the military)

2.  How many women do you sleep with on average in a month and do you consider your relationship with them healthy?

3.  If you had posters on your wall, would you prefer posters of strong or passive women?

4.  My cat’s name is, Pussy.  Do you find names like this offensive for an animal?

5.  If you served with women, did they regularly fail to carry out their tasks?

6.  My mother believes women are stronger than men because of all the housework she does.  What is your opinion on this?

Thank you for your time.  I look forward to your answers.

Dear Josh.

You are a sweet young man for all the nice things you implied to me in your letter.  I will try to give you my honest answer but please forgive me if I seem abrupt as I am on duty at a check point and some ass-clown just blew himself up down the street at the market.  I’m taking a break to clear my head a little and take my mind off of all the women and children this man just murdered in the most horrible way possible.

My answers:

1.  Yes. I serve with twelve split-tailed bitches in my unit.

2.  I sleep with all twelve of the split-tails mentioned above, every night.  We’re required to stay together because no one trusts themselves to sleep with us alone.  Something bawdy might happen and it would reflect poorly on us.  Don’t you wish you were me now, LOL.  And yes,  our relationship is very healthy.  We love each other and it keeps us safe and alive.

3.  How almost intuitive you are Josh!  Yes, I have a poster on my wall.  It’s a picture of a very strong man though.  I sometimes put him on my bunk and dry hump the hell out of him, then pass him on to the split-tails to devour.  We like strong men. It’s a new Army, we can do stuff like that together.

4.  I find the name of your cat delicious.  When I get out of this hell hole I’m in, I want to visit you.  I want to eat your Pussy on a sesame seed bun.  Maybe I’ll bitch slap your professor too, for letting you be such a dickhead in his class. LOL.

5.  Yes, split-tails fail all the time.  Just ask any male soldier.  Don’t ask a split-tail though.  They will tell you that back home, before they show up at 6:00 am to do physical training, they had to feed and dress their kids, take them to the bus stop, run back home and get the husband out of bed, make his coffee then clean the kitchen.  Next, she has to go to work, get talked to like she is a tramp, looked at like she’s an apple flavored pop tart, and accomplish a weeks worth of work in just 12 hours.  Then the bitch goes home, takes care of kids, greets her husband, fixes dinner, cleans the house, washes the clothes, and irons them.  After that, it’s relaxation time; bathing the kids, getting them ready for bed, and helping her husband figure out how to put a screw in a door hinge.  He doesn’t have any trouble screwing her, though.  He is a man, screwing split-tails is genetic.  No brains required.  The single split-tails with boyfriends have it even worse.  Because of your delicate age, I won’t go into details.

6.  I think I like your mother. She sounds like a really smart and strong split-tail.  When I get back, I want to visit your mother and take her to a spa for a massage, have her nails done, and then we’ll go drink vintage port wine and eat chocolate together.  Maybe we’ll go watch a chick flick together.

Josh, thank you for the opportunity to help with your project.  I’ll see you soon.  Keep your Pussy safe for me until I get there.

Love and Kisses,

ANY SERVICE -WOMAN

Author’s Note.  This is obviously a complete work of fiction.  Nobody would ever do this, right?  The subject of women serving in America’s military is long debated and doomed to sit beside such unresolvable subjects as abortion, religion, gun control, and so on.  The variation in opinions on this subject are as numbered as the faces on this planet.  This faux writer would wish that one could pull one’s head out from the vagina and off of the penis and look up a little higher.  What is in that brain that provides a capability, critical to the functions of a military or of a society, even the workplace, that gets us to success?  If a vagina is required, a set of balls just won’t do.  Every well designed tool, deployed according to its purpose, achieves the task at hand, if the operator is skilled enough to use the tool.  People are like that.  Genitals, deployed according to their roles in pleasure and procreation, and with practice by the user, can give good results.  And, in time, one can count on his or her genitals like a loyal friend or a good tool.  Caution is needed.  Never use a good set of genitals when a smart brain is called for.  That is abusive.